Challenge: Why Should We Be Ashamed? (Blog 10)
It’s been a while since I have been able to blog. I could use the excuse that I’ve been busy with life, with the kids. And that is true. But what is even more true, is that I am at the toughest part. I have ‘remembered’ things that I can’t make myself write down, I still haven’t written down, it’s too raw and hurts too much. I think if I am able to journal these, type them, and send them, I will be free. I don’t mean I will be free from the memories, I think those will always be with me (hopefully to protect me from making the same mistakes over again). When I say that I will be free from them, I mean, they will no longer have the hold over me like they once did, and that will make me stronger.
Perhaps these memories aren’t as bad as I make them to be, but in my mind, in my heart, they are. These are the ones that loom over me and still give me nightmares. But if I ever want to be free from this hold, be able to move on with my life, I have to face them. And face them I will.
Before I get I can get into that, I have to address something that someone said to me, “Are you sure you should be putting this stuff on the internet?”
My reply, “Why not?”
“Well, you don’t know who will see it and what they will think. It could ruin future opportunities.”
“Are you saying I should be ashamed of what happened? That I should hide it? That is was somehow my fault? (to an extent it is, I allowed it to continue to happen)”
“Well, what if a future employer sees it?”
“And what if they do? If they don’t hire me because of what happened to me, then I wouldn’t want to work for someone like that anyways!”
“Well, you just never know.”
“No, I don’t. But I do know that I have nothing to be ashamed of! I have felt ashamed for long enough, I have felt like a victim for long enough! This is why the cycle of abuse continues, because the victims feel they are to blame and the abusers continue to get away with it because they count of the fact that the victim will be too ashamed to come forward!! How can you ask me not to do something that is helping me and helping others, I’ve had so many people private message me with their struggle. Am I to tell them to keep quiet, that they should feel ashamed?!”
At this point I am in tears, angry tears, because I had come so far, and to have it all like, “Well, let’s just sweep it under the rug, we don’t want to embarrass anyone…” Embarrass anyone?! The person who should be embarrassed is the man who raises his hand to a woman, the man who lifts his leg to kick a woman, the man who berates a woman with words that belittle her; THAT’S who should be ashamed, NOT ME!
I take a deep breath and calm down.
“I’m sorry if you’re offended, I mean no harm, but this is something I have to do, I must do, for the sake of my sanity and the sake of my children. I want my daughters to know they never have to suffer in silence; they have a voice and will be heard.”
During this journey I have found my voice, one I never knew I had. I am meeting myself, seems like for the first time, and I really like who I am. Those who knew me before may not be so happy with the change, and it’s not that it’s that big of a change, it’s just a change that moved my whole world; I have always put my kids first, but now I put myself right up there with them. And you know what, it feels good.