Challenge: With Our War Paint, We March On (blog 5)
It would be so much easier for me just to quit right now. Give up. Throw in the towel. I’m done! But I can’t, my life before was no life at all. I was numb. I was unaffected. I felt no pleasure. I thought it was God’s punishment for me for allowing all that happened to happen. I accepted it as my punishment, I knew I deserved it. I was content and willing to continue to live that way; not feeling.
When I say I felt nothing, I mean NOTHING! I even told the doctor because it concerned me. I was like, I’m in my early to mid-thirties and I have zero libido. While that is convenient since I have no significant other, shouldn’t I be concerned? The doctor said that until I worked on the emotional/mental blocks, I would remain that way. Yep, I wasn’t going to be doing that anytime soon.
Then, like 2 weeks after I turned 39 (I could barely get out of bed because I was so depressed), I had to give myself a pep talk, kind of kick myself in the bum. I told myself, “In a year you are going to turn 40, one way or another, whatever happens, whatever you do, you are going to turn 40. You can turn 40 like this, fat, or, you can turn 40 looking like the person you are supposed to be. It’s up to you. This year is going to pass regardless of what you do. How this year passes, is up to you.” My little pep talk to myself must have worked because I got out of bed the next day with a purpose; make this year count. I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it was such a pivotal point in my life that I want to reiterate, it was a choice, I made the choice. So if anyone you in this virtual world are reading this and know someone who is/was going through something similar to what I went through, you can’t help them until they make that choice to be helped.
Anyways, back to me. So, I lost the weight, actually felt human again (And as I write this, I can hear how it sounds and feel how some people might take that statement. But, yes, I had gained so much weight, however well-intentioned I thought it was, that I felt not-normal, like I didn’t belong with the rest of the world. This, plus the other issues I already had going one; one hot mess I was/am). But, with losing the weight, it was like I was finding my way back into civilization. Having lived on some mythical island after all of those years, it was like I was craving human interaction, conversations, smiling, nodding hellos. Wow, I had forgotten how beautiful the world was.
Then, it was about 5 or 6 months after my 39th birthday, it happened. Yes, you are probably laughing as you read this, no problem, upon reflection, I laughed myself. But, I want you to understand what it was like, what I felt, the wonder. Remember, in my mind, I was/am a damned woman, marked not with the letter ‘A,’ but with the letter ‘F’ for failure, or ‘D’ for damnation. That is why I wondered at it.
So, for like the first time in like 10 or 11 years, I felt something. At first, it confused me, I wasn’t used to feeling anything (the love you feel for your child, the raise of your heartbeat when you fear something is wrong, is something that is above and beyond any other feeling a mother will feel and cannot be compared to any other feeling on Earth. So, I am not talking about emotions and feelings I have toward my children). But, I felt something, a quickened heartbeat, a blush.
No, I’m not going to go all Romance Novel on you, but just to emphasize that something I thought would NEVER happen actually DID, I felt something. I couldn’t figure out if it was the guy or the timing. Was I really into this guy? I mean, I’d never been attracted to that type, ever, in my life. The only thing that he had in common with every other guy I had dated was that he was within the 5 to 10-years-older-than-me age-range. Except for the age thing, the guy was everything my husband wasn’t. I can see now that it was my brain’s way of protecting me; pick someone that is completely the physical opposite of your husband and what happened with your husband cannot possibly happen again. Eventually I realized it was just the timing. Poor guy, he was in the right place at the wrong time. I hope I didn’t turn him off women for good!
But, I had felt something! SOMETHING! It gave me hope, a reason to believe I wasn’t doomed to a lifetime of numbness. After going so long feeling nothing, it was like a rush! No, get the dirty minds out of the gutter, nothing happened. I realize that if I’m ever going to get into a relationship ever again, I will have to deal with all the issues first. Before, I never thought I would. If a 18 months ago you would have told me that I’d be dealing with my past, dealing with my issues, I would have laughed right in your face and would have called you a liar. But, here I am, dealing with them because I felt something, and I wanted to feel it again.
So, I continue to march on through this wasteland I call my past. I will march on because, come what may, I’m doing something. I’m living.
The sucky part of it is, I’m going to get bruised. I’m going to get bloody. I may be bent, but I AM NOT broken!
I have to wade through the bodies of my regrets to figure out why, why, why. I deserve to know. My kids deserve a mother who can embrace life free of demons. They deserve a mother they don’t feel they need to protect. I will never have a healthy relationship with anyone until I have a healthy relationship with myself. For all of this, I continue to march on.